This Friday, the latest magnum comedy opus from the writing/directing duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer will hit theaters. I'm sure you've heard of them—they're the same ones who gave us Epic Movie, recapped on this very site. And going by that movie alone, it's safe to assume Disaster Movie will be a tired spoof of a dozen films, none of which are disaster movies, and almost all of which are actually comedies.
It's also safe to assume other things: Disaster Movie will feature characters from these comedies repeatedly getting smacked in the face. Disaster Movie will contain no actual humor. And Disaster Movie will make an ungodly sum of money in its opening weekend.
Kim Kardashian spoofs that classic disaster film
High School Musical. I hear part 3 features a cave-in, and the Wildcats have to eat Corbin Bleu's corpse to stay alive.
But most important of all, Disaster Movie will be the feature film acting debut of Kim Kardashian.
Well, that's not completely true. Technically, Kim made her acting debut over a year ago, in a movie titled Kim Kardashian: Superstar. It wasn't a feature film, though. In fact, it went directly from Kim's camcorder to porn websites.
Yep, this is Kim's infamous sex tape.
But don't panic. This is a clean, safe-for-work recap. There are no explicit images in this recap, and no explicit language. Anything that could be the slightest bit controversial or offensive has been censored for your protection. This is not because I have anything against porn—perish the thought—but rather, I figured I'd give myself a challenge. Also, I wanted to answer the age-old question: Once you take out all the hardcore sex, is there anything that we, as a nation, can learn from celebrity sex tapes?
In fact, I'd like this to be the first in a series of safe-for-work recaps of celebrity sex tapes. And given how many celebrity sex tapes are floating around out there, I've got enough material to last for years. And hopefully, it'll be a good long while before I have to resort to the Verne Troyer sex tape.
But guess what? If you're an adult of legal age, you don't have to settle for this safe-for-work rundown. You can buy Kim Kardashian: Superstar from Movies Unlimited and watch it in its uncut, explicit entirety.
I should note I'm actually recapping the second release of this tape. The first release was widely panned for being about twenty minutes long, with various editing tricks employed to make the footage seem longer than it was. Certain shots were endlessly repeated, the audio track from one scene was cut and pasted onto several others, and in at least one case, a scene was flipped to its mirror image to make it look like a totally different scene.
In response to the criticism, Vivid Video released the footage again, this time with the promise of "over 60 minutes of behind-the-scenes footage, including never-before-seen sex!" With a tagline like that, you'd think this would be a can't-lose proposition. You'd be wrong.
But I probably need to back up a bit. If the general readership of this site is anything like the people who frequent the site forums, most of you don't own a television, and the few that do keep it locked on either the Discovery Channel or the Sci Fi Channel. The only time most of you give MTV a passing thought is when you're complaining, as you have for the last 10 years, that they don't even show music videos anymore. And you may have heard of the E! network once, somewhere, but you've never actually, y'know, watched it.
So I'm sure you all have one single, burning question on your minds: Who is Kim Kardashian?
A little background information is in order.
It all starts, of course, in 1915, during the final years of the Ottoman Empire. Just prior to World War I, the Ottoman authorities began a systematic program of ethnic cleansing against the Armenians, which eventually came to be known as the Armenian Genocide. Thousands of Armenians fled that massacre, with some of them settling in the United States. We'll never know all of their names, but we do know the last name of at least one couple: Kardashian.
I can't exactly screencap a genocide, so here's a picture of a puppy instead.
Fast-forward 50 years. The Kardashians have achieved a comfortable level of affluence in America. So much so that their grandson Robert attends one of the most overpriced colleges in the country, the University of Southern California. (Sadly, I speak from personal experience. I started going there before the '80s ended, and I just finished paying off my student loans last month. No joke.)
O.J. also later found modest success as a hand model. Good for him.
While attending USC, Robert Kardashian strikes up a friendship with the school's star football player, a guy by the name of Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson. Simpson, of course, would later gain fame playing a trucker in 1983's Hambone & Hillie.
The breakfast of champions. Because it truly takes a champion to share the screen with Steve Guttenberg and Valerie Perrine.
Cut to 1980. A young unknown named Bruce Jenner is plucked from obscurity for his own feature film debut, Can't Stop the Music. A disco extravaganza like no other, the movie proves to the world that the Village People aren't quite as gay as everyone thought. Jenner creates controversy by appearing pantsless for a large portion of the movie, and his groundbreaking performance is fondly remembered to this day.
Exactly four months after the release of the movie, Robert Kardashian and his wife Kristin welcome their second daughter into the world, and name her Kimberly.
Fast-forward another 14 years. The Kardashians have divorced, and Kristin has re-married. Her new husband, coincidentally enough, is Can't Stop the Music star Bruce Jenner.
Also in the meantime, O.J. Simpson has divorced his wife Nicole Brown, but Nicole remains on friendly terms with the Kardashians and the Jenners. In June of 1994, the whole big happy family, Kimberly included, takes a vacation to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
About a month after returning, Nicole is murdered. You may have heard about it.
There was some kind of trial, which was evidently big news at the time, but in 1994 I was busy selling my organs on the black market to pay my tuition.
Robert Kardashian shoots eye daggers of love over to his ex-wife Kris.
Robert Kardashian, old friend of O.J. Simpson, is called on to become one of his defense attorneys. But the trial splits the Kardashians and the Jenners. In the courtroom, Kimberly Kardashian and her sisters sit on the defense side, supporting their dad, while Kris Jenner sits on the other side of the courtroom, supporting Nicole Brown's family. Awkward dinner table conversations ensue.
A decade later, Robert Kardashian has passed on, and Kimberly has come into her own as an adult. Kim finds work as a celebrity stylist, and also finds attention on the L.A. party circuit, hanging out with other empty-headed socialites like Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, Bijou Phillips, and Lindsay Lohan.
But in 2005, despite being a witness to history, and despite rubbing elbows with the rich and elite, true fame still eludes Kim Kardashian. This makes little sense to Kim. After all, her step-brother Brody Jenner achieved some measure of celebrity by appearing on MTV's The Hills. Her BFF Paris got her own reality show on FOX called The Simple Life.
So what exactly did Kim have to do to make a name for herself?
Useless is the new talented.
In a flash of inspiration, it comes to her. Paris Hilton was a total unknown until 2004, after all, and now she's doing all sorts of crazy stuff like presenting VMAs, hosting SNL, recording albums, and frequently occupying the #1 slot on the IMDb's Bottom 100. What happened in 2004 that made Hilton so famous, Kim wondered?
Ah, yes: 1 Night in Paris, the infamous sex tape Paris filmed with then-boyfriend Rick Solomon. (Solomon would later spend a weekend married to Pamela Anderson, yet another celebrity sex tape star.)
And so, in 2007, a tape of Kim Kardashian having sex with R&B singer Ray J was "leaked" by an "unnamed third party", much to the "outrage" of Kim and Ray. Vivid Video released it, and Kim filed a "lawsuit" against Vivid, but eventually settled out of court to the tune of five million dollars.
Surprise! She now has her own reality show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, along with her mom Kristin, her sisters Kourtney and Khloe, and her step-dad Bruce. So despite being "mortified" and "humiliated" by the release of the sex tape, as Kim continually insists to the press, she and her whole family are now more rich and famous than ever. Amazing that it all worked out for them, especially Kim, isn't it?
I should make it clear I have no real proof the release of this sex tape was deliberate. I mean, other than simple common sense.
Look at it this way: Kim was one of Paris Hilton's close friends. And Kim made this video after Paris had her own sex tape scandal. So you tell me: what kind of girl sees her friend go through that experience, and decides to record herself having sex anyway? Before you answer, remember that you selected "Girls who desperately want to be famous" for $1000.
Yes, it seems the title of this video was prophetic, because Kim is now a superstar! and making movies for Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. So in just two years, she's achieved what took Carmen Electra 15 years of being lame, untalented, and sleeping with androgynous rock stars to accomplish.
You might say Kim's one of those people who are famous for being famous, but that's not really true. She's famous for looking good, wearing insane amounts of makeup, having what she herself describes as "a big fat ass", and oh yeah, the sex tape thing.
As a result of her newfound stardom, the paparazzi are now even more ridiculously focused on Kim Kardashian's antics. Lest you think talk of the Armenian Genocide was just a pointless digression, TMZ actually got on her case for observing the anniversary of the genocide by getting a manicure.
But I think that catches you up on who Kim Kardashian is, and we can actually get to the video. Yeah, there's a video here. I almost forgot myself.
