Note from the author: This is the fifth in my series of tributes to cheesy action movies of the '80s and early '90s. Rather than in-depth recaps or straightforward reviews, these will contain a brief synopsis followed by a longer list of highlights, notes, and observations.
Check out the other articles in this series: Action Jackson, Stone Cold, Invasion U.S.A., and Tango & Cash!
SUMMARY: Steven Seagal goes up against a Jamaican drug posse after they threaten his family. Guess who wins?
Another note from the author: This was originally supposed to be a piece on Jean Claude Van Damme's Bloodsport, but after a few viewings of the film, I realized I had very little to say about it. So, let's move on and delve deep into the world of Steven Seagal.
I've covered Steven Seagal before, and his personal background has been covered elsewhere, so let's just skip straight to our feature, Marked for Death. Seagal's third movie features our ponytailed wonder as John Hatcher, a DEA agent seeking revenge after his family is targeted by Jamaican drug dealers led by a guy named Screwface (the name comes from a Bob Marley song). The film is a boisterous cheesefest as Seagal slashes, shoots, and snaps his way through villain after villain.
This is classic Seagal, before the prayer beads, the fringe jackets, and the sanctimonious bullshit. We get our fill here of his bone-crunching violence, macho swagger, and his attitude that gives new meaning to the word "badass".
It's a fun ride, and along with Under Siege, is easily one of Seagal's best.
I give it 8 out of 10 snapped limbs. Let's check it out.
Highlights:
1. Here's a first for me: I can actually start things off with an installment of Video Box Idiocy™. Well, maybe "idiocy" is a bit harsh, but check this out. On the back of the DVD case, there's a still of a huge tanker truck bursting through flames. This isn't in this movie. Rather, it's a scene from the 007 epic License to Kill (which may actually be featured in this series at some point). No idea how it ended up here, but it was also on the VHS sleeve that I used to own. And while 20th Century Fox put out this film, they damn sure didn't put out License to Kill. Weird.
2. The movie begins in Colombia, with John Hatcher (Big Steve himself) and his partner chasing Danny Trejo through a small village. Despite running like a girl (an exceptionally out of shape girl, at that), Hatcher is able to cut off Trejo at the pass, giving him a kick to the gut and a shove through a fence, ending the chase.
3. After some questions about whether or not Trejo has spoken to anyone (which goes nowhere), Trejo gets a rag duct taped into his mouth, and then he's dumped into the trunk of Hatcher's car. Turns out Hatcher's partner was supposed to watch Trejo, but given the foot pursuit we just saw, you can guess how well that went.
4. Hatcher's soon-to-be-dead partner (come on, it's a Steven Seagal flick, we all know he's dead meat) says they can't go to "the meeting" now, because they'll almost certainly get ratted out.
5. Hatcher disagrees. His partner asks if he's crazy, to which Stevie gives this response.
Hatcher: Since when did anybody ever accuse me of being sane?
Gotta agree there; Of all the things you could call Steven Seagal, sane is probably fairly low on the list.
"Before I snap your limbs, let's see if we can get you into better clothes."
6. I should note that, in addition to rocking the usual ponytail and all-black wardrobe, Seagal is wearing an earring. Not too often you see an action hero dress like a gay German fashion designer, but I guess when you're 6'4 and have a black belt in Aikido, you can wear whatever you damn well please.
7. Cut to a strip club, where a mostly topless dancer shakes her moneymaker on a pole. She dances in front of a sweaty guy in a white panama hat. Hatcher and his partner enter, and Hatcher has a conversation with Panama Hat before going to a back room where "the deal" is about to go down.
8. The deal goes down. Well, not exactly. It's the start of an action film, so I'm sure it comes as no surprise when things go wrong. Hatcher's cover—that of being a grouchy drug dealer—is blown by Danny Trejo. Gotta say he had it coming. Macho and clever are not two concepts that generally go together.
9. After being disarmed, Hatcher is threatened with a small sword. At first I thought it was a machete, but I've seen the Friday the 13th movies. I know a machete, I've seen a machete, and you, sir, are no machete!
10. It works just fine for Hatcher, though, because he springs into action. He cuts the hand off one bad guy and throws some random goon around. Hatcher takes off with his partner, but rather than just hauling ass out of the place, they take the time to check the various rooms for other baddies. Not the best strategy, because a topless woman in one of the rooms blasts the partner with a pistol. Seagal shoots her through the door, and then makes his escape with the help of Panama Hat.
11. Cut to Chicago, where Hatcher is in a church confessional booth. I didn't know they have priests working the graveyard shift; I learn a lot from watching these films. Hatcher is having a crisis of conscience. He confesses all the terrible things he's done as an undercover DEA operative, while Seagal tries for an acting moment.
Hatcher: I knew that the only justice I could get would be that which I made for myself, not always by law. [
So, you're an '80s/'90s action hero, then?] Father, I just killed a woman. [
Pulled my trigger, now she's dead.] I've lied, I've slept with informants, I've taken drugs; I've falsified evidence. I did whatever I had to do to get the bad guys. And then I realized something; that I had become what I most despise. [
A '70s action hero?]
You know, Chuck Norris can actually pull this kind of scene off. It's still bullshit, but with him you can buy it because you know deep down he's really kind of a sensitive guy. Seagal, on the other hand, in addition to the huge ego, comes off like a guy who didn't particularly care he was in a dirty business until just now.
"A million Hail Marys for
Submerged? Man, this church is harsh!"
12. The priest (who we never see) advises Hatcher to go home to his family and try to "find the gentle self" within him. For the record, no, I couldn't keep a straight face while typing that. I am merely a mortal, after all.
13. The next day, Hatcher is in the process of resigning from the DEA, while his boss tries to talk him out of it. It doesn't work, and Hatcher leaves, saying that nothing they did ever made a difference.
14. Hatcher drives off and ends up in a residential neighborhood. Nice? Idyllic? Oh, hell yes, the bad guys are going to find this place. He drives up to a house and is reunited with his sister Melissa and niece Tracy. Tracy is played by Danielle Harris (no relation) whom you'll see again when I tackle The Last Boy Scout. She's been in several other genre films, including Halloween 4 and 5, Urban Legend, and the Rob Zombie version of Halloween.
15. By sheer coincidence, Hatcher has shown up right in the middle of a family barbecue, allowing for more family scenes. These scenes aren't bad, they're just obvious filler and setup for the rest of the movie. This tends to happen quite a bit in early Seagal flicks.
16. One funny bit comes when Hatcher enters what I'm guessing is his old bedroom. You know the bit with the priest telling him he should try to find his gentle side? Well, just based on the décor, I'd say he has about as much chance of having a gentle side as I do of jumping center for the Lakers next season. Can you really be said to have a gentle side if one of the things hanging on your wall is a picture frame full of guns? I suppose anything is possible, but this is an action movie. And for the record, I'm 5'3".
Not a still from the film. An actual photo from Steven Seagal's home office.
17. Even better, one of the first things he does upon entering the room is start cleaning an old antique gun. Isn't this like trying to cure your cocaine habit by polishing a crack pipe in your spare time? Or am I misreading this?
18. Cut to the next day as a high school football team practices. Nearby, a group of Jamaicans are selling drugs to students. Hatcher observes Max, played by Keith David, as he runs his team through drills. Keith David is best known for John Carpenter films like The Thing and They Live, and also for being constantly confused with David Keith. I always thought a buddy film with those two would be hilarious, but then again, I also liked Hudson Hawk. Anyway, the two friends are reunited, and after some joking around, they walk off.
19. Hatcher and Max head to the parking lot, and Max spies the drug-dealing Jamaicans with the students. Hatcher pulls him away, but Max definitely has the Charles Bronson "I'm going to kill those scumbags" look in his eyes.
"What do you mean, I look like a
Psychlo?"
20. Next up, we're introduced to our main villain, who's meeting up with a group of rival Colombian drug dealers. Words cannot express just how damn creepy Basil Wallace is as Screwface. Well, okay, you can find the words. He's quite creepy. Of course, it also helps that the soundtrack is hell-bent on slamming home just how creepy this guy is. Here, we learn that Screwface has a twin, though the film seems to want us to believe something supernatural is going on here.
21. As for the scene, it's the standard "dealing with a rival gang"-type deal, with a lowball offer from the main villain, which the rival will take some time to consider.
22. And how does he go about considering it? Well, he goes to a voodoo lady and gets her to put a curse on Screwface, or something. Because it's always a good idea to piss off the really scary drug dealer by putting a hex on him.
23. The voodoo woman goes through a ritual that involves taking a bath in a room full of candles, holding a very large chicken upside down and spitting Bacardi on it, smoking a cigar in reverse over a picture of Screwface, and cutting the chicken's throat. Not sure what sort of voodoo this is, so let's just leave it at "That old black magic that she weaves so well."
And now, the world's sexiest Groucho Marx impersonator.
24. The result of all this? Well, Screwface just wakes up in a cold sweat and looks sort of alarmed. Yep, all that nonsense, and all we get is the end of every dream sequence in every movie you've ever seen. You figure the least she could have done is give him chronic flatulence, or make him bleed constantly from both eyes, but I guess the rival drug dealer could only afford the discount voodoo service. Well, at least the voodoo woman's hot. In a "make sure if we break up it's on her terms" sort of way, of course.
