Note: Even though the images in this recap have been censored, they still may be not safe for work or school or the library, or wherever you're reading this from. But, really, what did you expect from a movie called Nude on the Moon?
Finally, all is ready for their trip. The Prof meets Dr. Jeff "at the rocks", Dr. Jeff's favorite retreat. Tender music plays as the two scientists, still resplendent in their powder-blue jumpsuits, sit by the ocean, smoke, and talk about their upcoming flight. As this scene is shot outdoors, the dubbing problem mentioned earlier rears its head again. Close-ups show the person who isn't talking, naturally. They discuss how they haven't notified the press, so that they can "leave quietly". In a rocket? Headed for the moon? Hey, they're just two private citizens interested in landing on the moon before NASA. They're not publicity hounds or anything.
They pile into Dr. Jeff's purple convertible and head to the launch field. We're spared no detail of this ride, either. Thrill to the hot merging action! As they drive past the Variety Theater, Dr. Jeff mentions that "when we get back, you can see that movie you were talking about." The camera reveals the title on the marquee: Hideout in the Sun, Doris Wishman's first film. In "Nudearama", no less! Wow, now how did William Castle miss out on that gimmick?
Nudearama was the Beta of the 1960s.
Dr. Jeff and the Prof drive on for a while more, looking longingly at each other while lame jazz plays on the radio. Of course, Dr. Jeff seems to be doing most of the glancing. I swear, at this point there's more homoerotic tension than in Troy. One wonders how the deep, meaningful man-on-man glancing went over with this movie's target audience.
They finally arrive at a fenced-off grove of pine trees that will serve as the launching site for the (cough) rocket. Dr. Jeff and the Prof look up, into the boughs of a pine tree, and wonder over the fruits of their labor. The soon-to-be astronauts seem to have made the ship out of Amazsilikon, 'cause we sure can't see the damn thing, even when Dr. Jeff and the Prof climb up the gantry right in front of the rocket. And even now, the Prof smiles and stares across the gantry at Dr. Jeff as they climb. Geez, get a room!
Behold the beauty and power of Dr. Jeff's rocket!
They open the hatch and climb into their totally bitchin' rocket. Once inside the cockpit, we see how they managed to pull the project off with only three million dollars: they used the cockpit from a four-engine prop aircraft for their spaceship! That's why Dr. Jeff is a rocket scientist and you aren't. (Well, maybe you are, but could you go to the moon for three million dollars? I think not.)
They flick a lot of switches in the "rocket". (And seeing as how they're in a real aircraft, I sure hope whoever flew the old bird next checked all the switch positions before taking off.) Dr. Jeff and the Prof chat with each other a bit before takeoff. They talk to each other via the intercom, using big CB-style microphones. Why? So you can't see their lips move, of course! Easy dubbing!
Dr. Jeff asks for the countdown to start, and we're "treated" to our first view of the rocket. Now, not letting the audience see the shark for a long time built suspense in Jaws, but using the same strategy here is not quite as effective. Take a good look at this ship, because it has some amazing properties which will become apparent later. And by the way, all the pine trees we saw when Dr. Jeff and the Prof rolled up are gone. Can you guess why?
The scenery around Miami used to suck, I guess.
The Japanese model—er, the Huntley rocket—blasts off in a flurry of sparkler smoke. Dr. Jeff and the Prof make constipated faces for about five seconds, and then they're in space. Dr. Jeff throttles back the outboard starboard prop, which for some reason makes the first stage of the model rocket separate from the rest of the ship. As they look back to the Earth, I can't help but notice how it's rotating in the wrong direction. West-to-east or east-to-west, who the hell cares, right?
There's a quick shot of the moon—it's all green, of course—and then it's back to the cockpit. First the Prof, and then Dr. Jeff fall asleep for no reason at all. Then we have the obligatory encounter with asteroids. Okay, then. So why should we stay awake for their fiery death if they can't? Geez!
Man, we know how you feel.
Still asleep, Dr. Jeff and the Prof land on the moon. And, of course, the rocket has shape-shifted into another craft entirely. So that makes number three, right? If you count the invisible Amazsilikon version, anyway. It's flippin' amazing what American scientists in 1961 could do with three million dollars. I bet this is the kind of stuff that made us all expect flying cars by now.
The jolt of the landing wakes the narcoleptic astronauts, much to their confusion.
Dr. Jeff: Seems we've made contact! We're not moving!
The Prof: What? I'm afraid I fell asleep!
Dr. Jeff: So did I! What a climax to the trip!
Doofuses.
Metamorphosis engine, engage!
Dr. Jeff and the Prof pop out of their seats, ready to explore the lunar surface. Cut to the outside of the "rocket", where you can plainly see the padlock that was used to secure the airplane's door. The "hatch" opens. Dr. Jeff and the Prof step into the opening to survey the surroundings, and this finally allows us an eyeful of their spacesuits.
Wow. The basis of the suits are skin-tight leotards; red for the Prof and green for Dr. Jeff. They each have strap-on (oooh, bad word choice in a recap like this) white leather chest / groin protectors, which hide the stuff we really don't want to see. These protectors seem to be homemade, because the bright silver buttons that adorn them are in different places on each suit. Black leather gloves, white motorcycle helmets, and surgical tubing "oxygen hoses" round out the regalia. Amazing. These ensembles make the suits in the spoof Amazon Women on the Moon seem like exactitude exemplified. I was always led to believe that one shouldn't have exposed skin in a spacesuit, but I guess I was mistaken.
Idiocy, thy name is spandex.
Dr. Jeff and the Prof are stunned to see trees and grass. (They aren't the only ones.) The Prof promises to take notes, and they deplane. They briefly wonder if they are, in fact, on the moon, but the Prof says that all their instruments indicate that they are. As they walk into the tropical foliage, Dr. Jeff muses, "Perhaps this is one section of the moon that has never been seen." Sure, that sounds reasonable.
They walk around and gab about the strangeness of it all—faceplates down to facilitate dubbing, of course. Dr. Jeff has a proto-Tricorder, which he uses to examine a fist-sized lump of gold. There's an overlong bit here where Dr. Jeff and the Prof squabble about whether they can take the gold back to Earth with them. Dr. Jeff is worried that "the radiation belt may alter the character of the metal" on the way back. Yawn. Technobabble makes me sleepy.
Hey, have you noticed what has not been in this movie yet? I mean, the title is Nude on the Moon, is it not? Where are the nekkid people? Well, it appears you'll just need to have a wee bit more patience.
Dr. Jeff and the Prof leave the field of gold nuggets. The soundtrack turns to "scary" music. The astronauts come upon the rough-hewn walls of the Coral Castle, an amazing hand-made attraction in Homestead, Florida. They decide that the walls could only have been made by "thinking entities" (unlike this movie! Buh doom boom!), and I must say, they take this discovery pretty well. Their reactions are somewhere to the tamer side of the newsreaders in the Godzilla movies: "There appears to be—[yawn]—a giant cockroach heading toward Tokyo. And in the weather..."
They find a ladder, and the Prof scales the wall to take a peek. He looks over the wall, raises his faceplate (is it really a good idea to do that on the moon?), and.... And, well, he climbs back down the ladder.
Dr. Jeff raises his faceplate and climbs the ladder himself. He gets to the top, looks over the wall, and.... Nekkid people! Finally! The "Moon Doll" music starts up as Dr. Jeff gets a good eyeful.
"Yowza! That's what I'm talking about, baby!"
Okay. So, here we have the first nudity (other than the stills behind the credits) at 31 minutes into an 83-minute movie. Man, perverts were a lot more patient back in 1961 than we (um, they) are today. That's a lot of really bad plot development to get through before the boobies show up. I think it's pretty likely that, nowadays, if Joe Businessman charged a pay-per-view movie named Nude on the Moon to his room at the Ramada, he'd be demanding his $9.99 back if he had to wait 30 minutes for the skin. Well, probably not. The idea of the desk clerk loudly asking him to repeat the name of the movie might be enough to make Joe write off the loss. Great, now I'm giving ideas to the guys who schedule pay-per-view movies at the Ramada hotels. Sorry, everybody.
Once the nekkid people start showing up, we also have to confront some issues of body image. Let me first put my cards on the table: my glass house has more of a keg than a six-pack, okay? I have gotten stuck in the water slide at the local pool. I'm pale. I have hair growing out of my ears and my nose. Not a pretty picture. And yet...
And yet, I have never had a desire to get nekkid and star in a cheesy sci-fi / fantasy movie. For that, in fact, society owes me something of a debt of gratitude. The moon-people in this movie, however, have no such problems with getting unclothed on camera, body type be damned.
Nude on the Wheel!
Actually, truth be told, the nudes here are something of a breath of fresh air in this age of silicone, botox, and liposuction, in that they are real people. Some are more attractive than others, and some are older than others. That's what makes the "nudie cutie" movies seem so quaint to us, I think; they really are "innocent", compared to the clinical, down-and-dirty blue fare available today. So I've heard, anyway.
Dr. Jeff also takes a long leer at the Moon Goddess, queen of the moon-people. She's a perfect match for Cathy, minus the mole. Dr. Jeff doesn't notice the resemblance, however. It must be the missing mole. Kind of a Clark Kent thing, I guess. The Cathy-Queen stands and holds her arms out, and turns side to side slightly, so Dr. Jeff can get a better gawk.
The Cathy-Queen.
For those of you playing the Nude on the Moon Drinking Game, The Cathy-Queen is wearing blue bikini bottoms at this point. Pick your poison and drink your first shot!
There are also moon-men in the Coral Castle, along with the moon-women. There's no sexism here: the men are topless, but wearing swimsuit bottoms, just like the women. That's fair enough, I guess. Strangely, unlike the women, the moon-men are all trim and fit; you have to wonder if Wishman really knew her target audience. But at least the men in this movie have nothing to be ashamed of. Well, maybe the shiny gold bikini bottoms, but I'm not going to cast the first stone there.
"Be vewwy quiet! We're hunting astwonauts!"
The token moon-guys spot Dr. Jeff peeking over the wall. They sneak off, Looney Tunes music plinking in their heads as they tiptoe towards the interlopers.
The moon-men grab the Prof from behind, and carry him off. They take him to an attractive blonde moon-woman with a large wand. Since all the moon-people are unnamed in the movie, I'll label the standouts based on their duties (or unfortunate body shape; more on that later). Hence, this blonde will be known as the Jailer. The Jailer taps the Prof on the head with the wand, and he becomes confused, and then he gets led off to a coral cell. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff is still staring at the Cathy-Queen. Take a picture, man!
The Jailer has the Prof walk down stairs into his cell, and then she slowly (work it for all it's worth!) turns a big coral handle to lock him into the cell.
Dr. Jeff hasn't noticed that the Prof is gone. He climbs down the ladder, turns around, and is promptly snagged by the same two token moon-men. The Tokens take Dr. Jeff to the Jailer, she bops him on the head with the wand, he becomes confused, and you get the rest. The Jailer repeats the handle turning to lock Dr. Jeff into the cell with the Prof. Hey, that looks like the same footage as before. You don't suppose they... ? Nah, couldn't be.
