Cut to Paige about to take the kids to school. Marty makes a point of catching them as they leave, apparently because the film is running behind on its quota of cloying father-daughter moments. Strangely, we get a slow motion shot [?] of them both as they climb into the minivan. Paige, apparently concerned about Marty after the gun incident, tells him to "call me the second you feel anything weird", to which Marty replies, "Millisecond." Which is, I guess, somehow better.

We cut to Alfie in his car, now wearing the same Hawaiian shirt as the old guy in the mobile home. The implication is that he killed the couple in the mobile home, but this is hardly made clear. "A killer," he's saying to himself, "but not a bad guy! Misunderstood by society, forced to kill because of what had been done to him. A posse on his trail!" Then he lets out a Big Evil Laugh™. If this is in reference to something, I haven't got the faintest clue what. Is this the intro to The Incredible Hulk TV show, or what?

We then see Marty in his study, unable to concentrate on his writing. He gets impatient about his appointment later on, and calls down to the doctor's office to find out if they can take him earlier. The receptionist, by the way, tells Marty that she just read his novel Crimes of Fashion, and that it's "incredible". (The funny thing about some of these mock titles is that they're actually better than some real titles of Dean Koontz novels.) Unfortunately, though, they can't take him any sooner.

Marty looks across the room at an old reel-to-reel tape player. Then he presses the "X" button on his computer keyboard, and this somehow, someway starts up the reel-to-reel player from across the room. How exactly did Marty rig that setup? The song playing on the reel-to-reel, by the way, sounds suspiciously like "Bodyrock" by Moby. And with all due respect to audiophiles, I don't think this is a song that quite made it to the reel-to-reel format. And the stupidest part of all is that this will actually prove relevant to the plot later on. He presses another key and the music stops.

Since there's more time to kill, Marty walks into the kitchen to eat a sandwich. Before he can take a bite, he jerks his head back as he gets visions of Alfie driving down the highway. "I'm on my way, babies," Alfie says. "Daddy's coming home!"

Marty runs to get his gun. He spins the cylinder for no real reason other than it looks "cool". (See my previous comment regarding "research".) "Don't be crazy," Marty says. "Don't be crazy!" Then he puts the gun away, and goes outside and gets in a cab. Of course, it took me some time to figure out it was Marty who was getting into that cab. It says a lot about a film when it can't even show a guy getting into a cab without being awkward and confusing.

Just as Marty is leaving the neighborhood, Alfie is driving in, looking for Marty's house. (How he got Marty's address in the first place is never explained. Maybe he just asked the neighbors, "Hi. Where do I live?") He finally finds the place, and makes his way around to the backyard. We next see him using his switchblade to pry open the deadbolt on the back door. He finds Marty's sandwich on the kitchen counter and starts eating it [!]. Hey, why not make yourself at home, right? He walks through the house, finally finding the study. He points to Marty's computer and says to no one in particular, "Here I will do my work."

Then he goes to a shelf and starts looking at the books Marty has written. The first one happens to be dedicated to Paige, while the second one is dedicated to Marty's parents, who, according to the dedication, "can't be blamed." Oh, I'm sure I could find a way. Learning their names are Alice and James, Alfie flips through Marty's Rolodex and finds their address in Mammoth Lakes. "Mammoth Lakes," Alfie repeats aloud. Still talking to no one, he asks, "How did you wipe all of that out of my brain?" So, I guess at this point, Alfie is convinced that he's Marty with his memories erased. Or something. By the way, why does Marty put his parents' number in his Rolodex under their first names?

We cut to Drew and Carl driving down the highway, and Drew's got his boffo Palm Pilot type thing open. (Did you know these came with optional antennae?) They've "triangulated" Alfie's position to a nearby rest stop, but only find a mobile home parked there. Drew and Carl go inside. We don't see what they see, but we know it's something very bad. We know this because Drew says, "This is bad, this is very bad." Presumably, it's that happy old couple after Alfie was done with them, but for some reason, this "R-rated movie" is afraid of showing us what happened to them. Finally, they come across the shoe Alfie left behind with the transmitter in it. Leaving behind personal articles of clothing at the scene of a murder, by the way, is something that all trained assassins are told to do.

We cut to Marty at the doctor's office. He finds a copy of the issue of Celebs that features his article. Keep in mind, this is still supposed to be the same day the issue hit newsstands, which is remarkable. I think the last time I visited a doctor's office I ended up reading about Nixon's trip to China.

In a "funny" moment, we cut to a doctor taking Marty's blood pressure as Marty flips out about all the things in the article that he doesn't like. According to him, they've made him out to be a "crazy maniac". Meanwhile, the doctor tells him to calm down because his "blood pressure's doing back flips", showing the doctor's descriptive powers to be slightly wanting.

The doctor asks Marty why he thought he was having a panic attack. He replies that he was hyperventilating and his heart was pounding. The doctor replies, "Sounds like sex." [!] This is not the sort of comment that would inspire me to have much confidence in my family physician.

Anyway, the doctor agrees with Paige that it's just stress and recommends a therapist, but Marty's not having any of that. "I'll work it out in my stories!" he says. The doc then orders him to see the therapist, or else he'll be forced to "get out my latex gloves. Again." Which personally wouldn't do much for me in the confidence department, either.

Meanwhile, Alfie is eating up more screen time by wandering around Marty's house. We see him walk into Marty's closet and find twenty identical green shirts. (Apparently Marty has the same sense of style as Alex Anderson in Easy Kill.) Alfie then emerges from the closet (here's a shocker) dressed just like Marty. He stares at Paige's picture for a while, then decides to give her a call.

We cut to Paige in an art studio, standing in front of an unfinished painting. This clues us in that Paige is supposed to be an artist. When she answers the phone, Alfie launches into the following bizarre rant:

Paige calls Marty on his cell phone wanting to know what that was all about. Marty says he didn't call anybody, but Paige insists someone called sounding just like him. Marty has an easy answer: The Celebs article came out today, so it's just an "unbalanced fan" imitating Marty. Which is certainly nothing to worry about, right? After they hang up, Paige, unconvinced by this explanation, calls Marty's doctor.

Meanwhile, Alfie is sitting at Marty's computer, vainly trying to write. He's struggling for words, so after a while he goes to the fridge and grabs a couple of brewskies. (Well, he's certainly got that part of being a writer down pat.) Back at the computer, he types, "The man entered the room." Then he backspaces over it and types "The tall man entered the room." Then he takes a huge swig of beer and types "The tall man with blue eyes entered the room." (That alcohol sure is helping. And I mean the alcohol that I'm drinking, not Alfie's beers.)

Then he continues: "And a hat [???] entered the room and..." Suddenly, he's stuck. Finally, he grows so frustrated that he puts his fist through the screen. Well, it's a surefire way to cure writer's block, to say the least. At least you can tell people you're not just staring at a blank screen all day. It's too bad, though. I think if he had kept it up a little while longer Alfie might have written this screenplay.

He goes to the bathroom and puts water on his cuts, which heal right before our very eyes. He talks to himself, calling himself "Marty", and reassuring himself that he now has a wife to talk to about his writer's block, and "anything else that's bothering you in the whole wide world." Don't count on it, pal.

Just then, Alfie hears Marty as he arrives back home. Marty goes to the kitchen and looks at the suspicious remnants of his sandwich (Alfie, despite his super metabolism, seems to prefer to leave the crusts behind). Marty then walks into his study and sits down behind his desk. Despite the fact that his monitor is six inches from his face, it takes him a full ten seconds to realize it's been smashed. Personally, this is something I think I'd notice right away. Before he can make a move, Alfie walks in holding a gun, demanding his life back. At this, the music swells, the scene fades out, and then we fade back into... well, the same scene, actually. In fact, Alfie repeats the same line of dialogue he just said two seconds ago, which gives you a good idea of how lousy an editing job they did when transferring this to DVD.

Alfie asks if Marty's a "clone, or a robot, or is it just makeup?" Meanwhile, Marty is calling his doctor, saying he's having "some kind of episode". (Worst... episode... ever.) Alfie shoots the phone away [!] while somehow managing not to accidentally hit anything else. He accuses Marty of "calling back to headquarters", then shoots another hole in Marty's monitor. (To paraphrase Steve Martin in The Jerk, Alfie really hates that monitor.) Alfie then decides that Marty's not a robot, because "a robot wouldn't have to use the phone!" That's sure using your noggin, Alfie. Then he asks, "When I kill you, will I get my memories back? Will I be able to write again?" When this movie is over, will I get my eyesight back? Will I be able to watch another movie again?

Just then, in a shrewd move, Marty hits the secret "X" key on his keyboard, which starts up his reel-to-reel player and that cheap knock-off of Moby's "Bodyrock" starts playing. Just like you would expect a trained assassin to do, Alfie instantly spins around and shoots the reel-to-reel player, not just once, but three times. Thus distracting Alfie, Marty pulls out his own revolver and fires a couple of bullets into Alfie. Alfie falls backwards over a big stack of books, then runs out of the room. Marty chases after him, even though a better course of action might be to use his cell phone to call the police.

Marty runs upstairs looking for Alfie, and finding blood on his daughters' door, he charges in after him. Inside, the cages that held Marty's daughter's pets are overturned, and it appears momentarily that Alfie jumped out the window. But instead, he was hiding in a nearby closet, waiting to ambush Marty.

Here's where we get the single worst FX shot I've seen in a long time, as Alfie struggles with a stuntman who has Stephen Baldwin's head superimposed over his own. I mean, it's almost surreal how lousy this effect is. Alfie drags Marty out of the room while ranting that, since Marty's a writer, he should know that "Rats and snakes always represent evil!" So Alfie killed the pets. When did all this happen, exactly? Marty spots a can of spray glue on the girls' dresser (always good to have some of that around), and uses it to temporarily blind Alfie and escape.

Alfie is down for the count, but he recovers quickly and chases Marty down the hallway. In a big slow motion moment, Marty grabs a framed painting off the wall and bashes Alfie in the head with it, sending him careening over the railing (naturally) and tumbling to the floor below, where he crashes through (of course) a glass coffee table. This reaffirms Bad Movie Rule #8642: Whenever a fight breaks out in a house with a glass coffee table, the fight shall always end with one of the adversaries crashing through said table (and almost always from a great height).

Marty runs downstairs and hovers over Alfie's motionless body. At that moment, he hears Paige and the kids coming home. Marty runs outside, telling Paige to call the police and take the girls to "Vic and Kathy's". Paige sees that he's bleeding. "It's not my blood," he says. That's reassuring. Marty tells her again to take the kids to Vic and Kathy's, and for no real reason, clarifies this by calling them "the Delorios". Naturally, we get a shot of Alfie, still alive, as he whispers, "Delorio..."

Marty runs back to the coffee table, and, surprise, surprise, Alfie is gone without a trace, leaving Marty shocked. (We know he's shocked because Stephen Baldwin has his mouth all the way open.) He walks outside and sees Alfie jump in his car and drive off. Marty chases after him on foot, but before he can get very far, the police pull up and point their guns at him, and of course they're completely oblivious to the speeding car that just zoomed past them. Marty surrenders and they take him away.