It's now time for the Scooby Doo segment of our film. The Three Biker Types walk through the Chamber of Thrills, which is basically a haunted house, complete with all the usual suspects: Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolf Man, Dracula, etc. Chopper manages to have the unfortunate (and predictable) luck of standing directly over a trap door. Devereaux presses a button and voila, Chopper falls down a Futurama tube. Only problem is, he falls feet-first, yet when they cut to him sliding down the tube, he's going head-first.

When they can't find Chopper, Dee and Slime go "investigating". Slime eventually doubles back to look for Chopper, because the 11th Commandment states that when in danger, you must always split up, so that you can be dispensed with one by one for the sake of suspense.

Slime gets grabbed by a Mummy in a sarcophagus, and lets out a feminine wail of his own to rival Sam's earlier bitch-scream. Of course, he too falls head-first down a Futurama tube as well.

So now Daphne—er, I mean Dee, is all alone and gets scared by more robotic horror movie characters. She then backs into an iron maiden and falls down a Futurama tube of her own, but she's clearly smiling during the slide down. I guess since they couldn't fit the director in there with her, they had to just take her word for it that she was still acting.

By the way, those who watch the EV version won't see the Chopper and Slime "up the rabbit hole" trick. It does still show Dee falling, except this time around they manage to get a shot of her going down instead of up. Bravo. That must have been the one day when the editor couldn't score any blow.

After the Star Wars Holiday Special tanked, Chewbacca did what he could to make ends meet before Empire got the green light.

A new day dawns as Park Owner Guy shows up to drop the bomb on Devereaux: He just hasn't been the same lately, and POG has to let him go.

The two have essentially the same argument they had earlier about funds, except now POG has given Devereaux the last excuse he needs to open up the stay-fresh pouch of demented-genius whoop-ass he's been saving. But that's coming up later.

For now, Devereaux lets him know he'll regret this day, and then walks off into the sunset with looming madness in his eyes. And Anthony Zerbe does have some acting chops, but without a competent director his performance is like a pu-pu platter—very small quantities of varying quality.

And now, thirty minutes into a movie that actually has their name in the title, KISS finally shows up! I have to think the director is dyslexic, because in KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park, he showed us the Park, then the Phantom, then some people meeting each other, and now finally, KISS.

It's daylight as a large crowd anticipates the arrival of the band. There's a quick glimpse of Devereaux in his lab, just so he can declare he's going to make everyone pay, and use KISS to do it. This must be presentshadowing. But I find it odd that the park wouldn't take away Devereaux's keys to the lab after firing him. They must be giving him his customary two weeks' notice.

Actually, it looks like this bit was included because they needed a way to explain why in the next shot, it's suddenly gone from day to night. But who cares? We're about to see KISS perform!

...Well, almost.

First, we're treated to the same blue screen cheesy effects from the credits. Paul walks across his hyphenated eyebeam again, and Gene breathes fire again. Ace shoots some squiggly lines from his fingers, which make Peter appear out of thin air. This may be a hint at Ace's "powers", but I don't want to ruin the surprise for the kiddies.

Then the moment finally arrives. KISS is on stage and they launch into "Shout It Out Loud". For the KISS nerds out there (such as myself), that's one of the very few songs where Gene and Paul split the verses singing lead. This footage is from a real concert they did just for the movie, but for some reason, the band is lip-syncing to the studio recording. Well, at least they're not giving anyone false hope by interjecting authenticity into any part of this movie.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that at 1:01:58 of the TV version and 00:55:23 of the EV version, you can clearly see Roy Orbison in the crowd holding a camera. It's him, dammit, and I refuse to believe otherwise.

When asked why he chose to dress up like Roy Orbison, the photographer explained he didn't want to attract any fans.

As the song goes on, Devereaux is in his lab, cooking up his grand scheme. He orders Sam to check the circuitry on one of his creations. In the TV version, Sam hesitates, and has to be told again. Perhaps they're trying to show Sam's will to fight the neck-transistor "spell" Devereaux has him under. Either that, or the actor zoned out, lamenting the day he decided to drop out of college and go into acting.

By the way, is this all Devereaux makes his zombie slaves do? Simple menial work? It seems like it would be easier just to hire an intern.

Then Devereaux walks over to three stock-still people, who turn out to be the new and improved Three Biker Types. They're now dressed in Colonial era garb, which must make them the Three Colonial Types. It doesn't really have the same ring to it, but it doesn't matter, because we never see them again anyway.

Regardless, this is the big reveal where we find out Devereaux's animatronic displays are really people! People! Which also explains why the Keystone Cops were discussing "disappearances" earlier. And I guess this also explains why Devereaux is the "Phantom of the Park", though his whole M.O. is way more like Vincent Price in House of Wax than the Phantom of the Opera.

But it's time to get back to that bitchin' KISS concert, still in progress. Oh wait, they're at the end of the last song of the night. Well, there's always tomorrow... "Cause tomorr-ooo-ow, we're gonna fall in love, fall in love..." Sorry, that won't happen again.

Even though we don't get to hear them sing again just yet, we will get to hear KISS talk in a minute, and for the most part, it isn't even lip-synched. After the show, KISS makes their grand exit from the stage. Actually, it looks like they're walking off the exit ramp of a bumper car rink, but theatre is all about imagination.

The officers at the gate make it clear that only press are allowed through to see KISS, while the wild mob of about 30 people try to make the same amount of noise as an entire audience. And wouldn't you know it, Sam is there snapping pics (with a NIKON camera, if my Product Placement Sense is functioning correctly).

Devereaux instructs Sam via mind-link, or I guess that tiny Radio Shack microchip on his neck, to get all possible angles on KISS. There are the expected freeze-frames to indicate the snapshots he's taking, except it's really just the same four shots over and over. KISS does their thing on the catwalk, blowing kisses and pointing in random directions. Jesus, they're not even doing a very good job of acting like themselves.

Melissa arrives. She's finally tracked down her man Sam, but the Keystone Cops hold her back because she's not press. They know this because she doesn't have a camera, and I guess in this movie's world, only the press are allowed to own cameras. Sam just walks right past Melissa and the cops, looking stoned.

Just then, Gene catches wind of Melissa's plight, and he gets Paul's attention with, "Star Child!" And he speaks in a horribly synthesized voice that's intended to make him sound "otherworldly", I guess. And he'll be using this voice throughout the movie, except for when he's singing—er, lip-synching.

In response, Paul shoots out a stream of those sweet yellow hyphens at Melissa. A large superimposed star forms over her, and she goes into a sort of trance. She walks toward the band and Gene proclaims, "No gratitude need be voiced. Your mind speaks to us." So I'm guessing in this movie, KISS has the power to read minds. Which in Melissa's case is probably like reading Cliff Notes for Fun with Dick and Jane.

Paul uses his amazing powers to see what people would look like if they used George Hamilton's bronzing techniques.

Gene knows Melissa is looking for someone, but it's not KISS. Melissa starts in with her Desperately Seeking Sam routine, mentioning how he had just been here taking photos of the band. One of the guards steps up to explain there are dozens of photographers here, but he's cut off in midsentence by a wave of Paul's hand. I guess even with superpowers, the threat of a good old bitch-slap still has its benefits.

But this is one of our klueless Keystone Cops, so he pipes back, "This is ridiculous!" So Gene roars at him. That's right: Gene opens his mouth and we hear a roar not unlike that of the MGM Lion. Sadly, this won't be the last time he does it.

Paul then tells Melissa that Sam is still in the park. Holy Christ, that's amazing! Especially considering he just saw Sam taking pictures of the band less than two minutes ago. Not to mention how Sam is currently walking at zombie stride. Tim Conway's "The Old Man" from The Carol Burnett Show could cover more ground in the same amount of time.

Back at the lab, Devereaux is looking over Sam's photos of KISS, and he begins drawing circles on Gene's face. I imagine they wanted it to look like he was being all scientific-y here, but he comes off more like a severely autistic child trying desperately to communicate.

Cut to the park after hours, where a couple of our Keystone Cops are making the rounds. All of a sudden, a ride turns on and then off again. I fear a foreshadow. The guards shrug it off and go to "get coffee". Good thing they aren't British cops who go to "get tea", because that would just be a stereotype.

A shadow is cast across the wall behind them. Two seconds later, the wall in front of them smashes open. Gene Simmons emerges and begins to advance towards the guards, spewing out his Godzilla breath flames. Now, I hate to continue harping on the whole "logic" thing, but you can't have a character throwing a shadow on a wall, and then show him breaking through a completely different wall. That's just fakeshadowing.

Gene is now surrounded by the entire fleet of security guards (all four of them). He tosses a few to the side, while he holds another in the air by his collar. Then there's a medium shot of Gene, and his arm is still in the air, but surprise, there's no guard. In the next shot, the guard magically reappears. Did Gene use his KISS powers to make the guy disappear? Or did the editor make an entire kilo of coke disappear?

If you've been paying attention, you probably know why it appears that Gene Simmons is launching an unprovoked attack on the guards. Nevertheless, we'll get a scene later on that makes it all perfectly clear.

By the way, the TV version uses cartoon-style orchestration during all the fight scenes. (No surprise, given that the movie was partially produced by Hanna-Barbera.) They must have thought it would help tone down the violence for kids, and I guess it worked. To this day, the only serial killers citing this movie as an influence are deaf.

The EV version, on the other hand, used the band's songs. Or rather, songs from when they all released solo records, in a shameless attempt to make four times as much money. So for this scene, we get a Gene Simmons solo effort, "Radioactive".

"You think Dutch Ovens are bad? Try my Yiddish Bunsen Burner."