The Cast of Characters:
	Monte (Ross Hagen). Beefcake soldier out to avenge his brother's death. Thinks partying with bikers is a good place to start.
	Linda (Dee Duffy). Monte's would-be sister-in-law who tags along with him. Serves no real plot purpose at all, but nice to look at, right?
	Mr. Adrian (Bob Slatzer). Puffy-faced mobster who ordered the hit on Monte's brother. Delivers his lines almost like English is his second language, sort of like Andie McDowell.
	The Hellcats. Motorcycle mommas on the highway to hell, as the tagline puts it. Played by every actor that the filmmakers could find willing to work for free beer.

Mystery Science Theater 3000's second season on Comedy Central saw the show grow by leaps and bounds. In its first season, and in its earlier tenure on the Minnesota station KTMA, the show largely restricted itself to ridiculing old sci-fi and horror films. The second season was where the writers began to stretch their wings, realizing that there were many other kinds of bad movies out there that deserved ridicule. And for many fans, that season is best remembered for three dirty, sleazy biker films.

First there was Sidehackers, which seemed to have been made largely to showcase stunts, and was ruined by someone trying to cram a story into it. Then there was Wild Rebels, directed by William Grefé (who also brought us Impulse and The Naked Zoo) which told a surprisingly coherent but still idiotic story about a sting operation to catch a gang of bank robbers. It also had the bonus of an early performance by Jeff Gillen, who went on to give an unforgettable portrayal of a scary department store Santa Claus in A Christmas Story.

The last of the lot, and undoubtedly the worst, was The Hellcats, a film with no apparent reason to exist other than to showcase biker debauchery. Apparently, being a hippie biker was pretty big in the '60s, and The Hellcats epitomizes the ugly side of this mindset better than any other. It's nothing but beer-soaked hippie bikers from start to finish. Hippie bikers riding motorcycles, hippie bikers doing drugs, hippie bikers dancing to appalling hippie music. Why this movie was even made, I have no idea, but I'm diving in anyway. [Webmaster's cheap plug: And if you'd like to read a much shorter rundown on this film, check out the review I banged out for Rogue Cinema last year. —Albert]

Oh, and I'd just like to say that after the talking-to I got on the forums regarding how much I ripped off MST3k in my Mitchell review, I'll try my best not to do the same here.

First we see various shots of tombstones while some dissonant, aimless percussion plays. The scary thing is that this is the best piece of music in the whole film, so enjoy it while you can. There's also a shot of a plot that's been prepared for burial, and it looks so similar to one in my film Leaving Souls that I may just cry. Down the road comes the following: a hearse flanked by several motorcycles, a tiny convertible carrying two people, and two vans. This is probably one of those shots that's a lot more interesting if you're on drugs. You know, in the same way that staring at a wall is a lot more interesting when you're on drugs.

The hearse stops and the bikers all dismount and carry a coffin to the plot. Everyone's wearing their best white trash gear, and I wouldn't be surprised if all the actors here supplied their own wardrobe. They lay the coffin on the plot and everybody takes turns placing various biker gear on it, including switchblades, gloves, and a necklace.

For the grand finale, a redheaded chick reaches under her shirt and pulls her bra off and places it across the coffin, and something tells me this ability was the sole reason they hired this actress. Nearby, two cops watch the proceedings. They're wearing their best suits and standing right in front of a squad car, so apparently the bikers aren't very observant. The cops lay out some heavy exposition.

Thanks for that, guys. Now I'm totally lost.

Now we see two mob guys (suits and sunglasses? yep, they're mob guys) crouching behind a tombstone. That's a good hiding place. The bigger of the two turns out to be the previously mentioned Adrian, and is played by the film's co-writer/director Bob Slatzer. In a totally flat monotone, he talks about how a guy named Chapman—who I assume is one of the cops—has been following him everywhere. And you'll be happy to know his acting's as good as his directing. He also tells the other guy to tell somebody else that the next "pickup" is tomorrow at a place called Scorpio's.

As the bikers drive off, two stay behind to discuss who their leader's going to be, now that "Big Daddy's snuffed." The one who introduces that charming bit of slang turns out to be named "Six Pack", and the other guy tells Six Pack they have a new leader: "Me, baby. Me." Say hello to New Daddy, until I can come up with a better nickname. Mr. Pack doesn't look too pleased at this development, and just then the public domain music in the background happens to make a "wah wah WAHHHHH" sound like a rich guy slipped on a banana peel.

Cue opening credits, where the first thing we see is a logo for "Gemini American Productions II." Boy, they sure took off after this, huh? The credits themselves occur over a series of awful avant-garde paintings, while we hear a nausea-inducing psychedelic song titled "The Hellcats" [MP3 sound clip], which is actually about the titular gang. As we've learned before on this site, unless your movie's called Shaft, that's not a good thing.

In addition to Six Pack, we find out we'll also be meeting people with names like Snake, Hiney, Candy Cave [sic], Pepper, Zombie, Scorpio, Moongoose [sic], and Scab. Boy, is this going to be fun!

The film turns out to have the same star (Ross Hagen) and one of the same writers (Tony Huston) as Sidehackers. We also see that Slatzer oddly credits himself as "Bob Slatzer" in his acting credit and "Robert F. Slatzer" in his writing and directing credits. Sorry, but you're not fooling anyone.

We also learn the film's producer is Repeat Offender Tony Cardoza, who co-produced and co-starred in Red Zone Cuba, not to mention both of the other two films made by director Coleman Francis, The Beast of Yucca Flats and Skydivers (all three are strong contenders for Worst Movie Ever Made).

So there are quite a few names in these credits that I recognize from other Tony Cardoza productions: Tony Lorea, who plays Six Pack, also got suckered into appearing in the similarly awful Smokey and the Hotwire Gang. Tom Hanson, who plays Moongoose, was also Bailey Chastain/Chastine in Red Zone Cuba, making him yet another Repeat Offender on this site. On top of all that, Frederic Downs, who plays "Jack (Innkeeper)" here, appeared as a lawman at the very end of Red Zone Cuba, and he was Prof. Howard Erling in the non-Cardoza related Terror from the Year 5000, which means he's only the second "Three Strikes Offender" that the Agony Booth has ever had. William Shatner... and Frederic Downs. Who'da thunk it? Oh, and it appears Tony Cardoza himself will actually be appearing in this movie at some point. Can't wait.

Director Robert Slatzer also has something of a notable history of his own. He later wrote a book claiming he was briefly married to Marilyn Monroe, and they were forced by studio heads to divorce after just a few days. In his book, he said they were married in Mexico, but it was later discovered that Marilyn had written checks in Los Angeles on the supposed day of her "wedding". So most of her fans now agree that Slatzer's claims are probably total fantasy. Nevertheless, he's been one of the strongest advocates of the theory that the Kennedys killed Marilyn, even writing a book about it in 1992 (which was turned into a live two-hour TV special hosted by Bill Bixby). And Slatzer just died this past March, so it seems the Agony Booth Death Curse has struck once again.

After the credits end, we see the first of many shots of someone riding a motorcycle that goes on way too long. The guy bikes through the hills, then across a road to where another biker is waiting. We get to watch every riveting second of him setting down the kickstand, and handing off a rather small bag of white powder to the other guy. While this happens a car drives by, which I guess was just an accident, since there's no point to it. However, it does make these two look a little less than bright that they don't wait until the car passes before making the exchange.

The second biker rides off, and we get riveting footage of the first biker picking some stuff up off the ground and doing something to his bike. We then finally cut to the second biker, who goes on an overlong drive of his own before arriving at a shack where Redheaded Chick is waiting next to her own motorcycle. She complains that he kept her waiting for two hours and "Adrian's gonna be madder than hell!" The other guy replies, "Easy, momma. Snake was late coming in from Mexico and I couldn't afford to get caught with that [pause as he tries to remember his line] powder in my pocket." I must admit, these two are having quite the battle as to who can give the flatter delivery.