“Sato pitches knives at a newspaper article covering the crime that sent him away. This strikes me as odd. Do criminals actually clip out news items from the low points in their careers? Sometimes I think back to that time I was mugged by a Girl Scout leader/meth-tweaker at a Chuck E. Cheese years back, and I promise you, that newspaper article is not in any of my scrapbooks.”

“The only parts of the film I can actually say I kind of like are the two Tyrannosaurus rampages in the middle of the movie, and the beast running wild in San Diego. Even then, my enjoyment is negated by the lousy characters, and when a guy like me (who can find enjoyment in pretty much anything) isn’t able to glean any satisfaction from a giant monster wreaking havoc, something has gone seriously wrong with your movie. This is one of those films that works just fine when the special effects are in control and nobody is talking. But when they do talk... Jesus.”

“Bear with me here; the protagonist doesn’t start out hot, nor does he stay that way throughout the entire episode. But it’s those little bits of magical, bad-assed hotness that really make this episode shine. It’s like when Anakin Skywalker finally turned bad—he was extra hot because you had to wait a little while for it to happen.”

“So by now, we're watching a drunk Bill Cosby performing surgery on himself with a hunting knife. Hey, having fun yet, Cosby Show fans?”

From an undisclosed location in the Middle East comes the Agony Booth's first ever video review! Our very own Michael "Mendo" Novelli comes to us (almost) live from across the world to give us his take on one of the least-loved James Bond films, The Man with the Golden Gun!

Special thanks to editor John Sensebe AKA Bargaintuan for all his hard work in putting this together!

“Arnold is so taciturn in this film he makes the Terminator seem like a livestock auctioneer.”

“Helpful hint to spare your heirs some confusion, heartbreak, and bewilderment: If you know you’re going to die, and you have the time, throw out your porn, your leather gimp suit, and all those embarrassing letters where you confess to horrific crime sprees. Oh, and dismantle your evil, indestructible cars.”

“The hit car literally chases Bill around the school grounds, while Ralph takes forever to get his clothes off. It’s like the Keystone Superheroes.”

“Obviously, they were going for a movie similar to the Indiana Jones films, but as we’ll see, they had neither the resources nor the skill to pull it off.”

“This movie was released in—hold onto your hats, folks!—1910, making this the oldest movie to be recapped on the Agony Booth! Yeah, that’s right. This movie is one hundred years old! Eat it, The Adventure of the Wrong Santa Claus! Don’t you be bringing that Wilsonian-era crap into this house!”

“Judging by the sheer amount of Hologram flirting, it’s obvious Jem’s plan for appreciating world history music is to sleep with every hot musician in every major time period. See? Being a Jem Girl is fun.”

“You know, if all of Hannibal’s plans are this ridiculously convoluted, no wonder he loves it when they come together!”

“It takes a real artist to perform among puppets, and Bowie pulls it off masterfully. Now that I’m an adult, I can finally admire his performance. As a girl, I was too busy feeling disconcerted by the puppets and the bulge in Bowie’s tights. They sure didn’t call it a ‘crotchtrusion’ for nothing.”

“My prediction at the end of my Twilight recap was correct: This movie did indeed suck harder than its predecessor. In fact, it sucked so hard that it made me wonder why I ever liked the first one to begin with.”

“Even if you leave aside the language barrier, it’s apparent that director Claudio Fragasso is certifiably insane. If you have any doubts regarding this, they will be dispelled once you hear him mention his movies in the same breath as Casablanca. Seriously.”

It was a classic of science fiction history... that was boring and made no sense. Seriously, there is a reason you are the only person at Comic Con dressed that way.

“April takes the whole ‘ghost knife magically changing before her eyes’ thing in stride and is only mildly amazed. I guess she would have been more impressed by better CGI, but dammit, we’re on a budget here, okay, April? Yeesh.”

“It’s like Michael Bay is deliberately trying to hit every Bad Movie Cliché he can think of.”

“Lesson #1 when dealing with a James Remar character: Don’t piss the guy off. Chances are he has a gun and is one can short of a six pack.”